Getting ready for a BDSM Scene is a lot like getting ready for a cross between a play, and a psychedelic experience. You want to make sure your set and setting is right, and a lot of thought and work must precede the actual event.
“Set” refers to the headspace you’re in. Being a little nervous and unsure is to be expected. Hopefully it’s tinged with excitement, though! You're about to bring your fantasies to life! Beyond typical nerves, if you have any gut feelings lurking that indicate your safety could be compromised, listen to it and call it off. Everyone involved with the scene should be someone that you’re comfortable with and trust to respect your limits, which, at this point, should have been meticulously listed, described in detail and agreed upon by all participants. At the first sight of discomfort, mistrust, or just the feeling that something or someone won’t have your best interests in mind, leave. As far as “setting” goes, If you’re nervous, having a first scene occur in a space you’re comfortable in can help assuage any nerves. On the other hand, being driven to a secret, unknown location can be part of the fantasy. Just be sure that whoever is taking you there is someone you trust!
Prepping for the Scene
Long before you arrive at the scene of the scene (if you will,) you and your play partner (or partners) should agree upon some guidelines.
If you’re the sub, you’re the boss. Yes, this may seem counterintuitive, but it’s the responsibility of the Dom/me to make sure that they’re catering to your needs and observing and respecting your limits. However, as the Dom/me, you should feel free to express your desires as well. Both parties must communicate what they want from a scene, and ensure that those things are compatible. If so, then you can proceed!
If you’re not sure how to start communicating with your sub, you can use a checklist to list what you’re experienced at, what you’re intrigued by, and what’s absolutely a no-no. There are several free versions online - use one of these instead of coming up with your own, because there may be things you’ve never even thought of on these exhaustive lists! It may also serve all parties well to sign a contract, a la Fifty Shades, that makes all agreements and limitations explicitly clear and binding.
To add some color to the fantasy, check out an erotic novel and let it inspire you to begin constructing your own story. It doesn’t have to be a comprehensive arc, but rather a scene from your story (hence the word, scene.) Consider BDSM a play and you’re the director and author. Your story can be as simple and generic as, you’re a schoolgirl that’s late for class and your teacher is going to spank you. Or you can borrow a scene from a film like Secretary or The Story of O. As you get more comfortable asking for what you want, you’ll be able to let your imagination truly run wild.
Many sexologists note that much of BDSM is the act of writing and describing. To be sure, it may seem like you spend more time planning the event than actually playing in it. This is important to keep all parties safe and ensure that all acts of “force,” “humiliation” and “torture” are consensual. Obviously, this is a good time to establish a safe word. A safe word should be easy to remember but unlikely to be used within the context of the scene for any other reason than to stop it (e.g. “cacao.”) If a participant will be gagged, then establish a non-verbal cue they can use to stop the scene, such as ringing a bell, or snapping fingers. Using a safe word or cue is not an admission of failure - it’s a safeguard to maximize your pleasure. Don’t be afraid to use it.
The Play Place and Sub Space
When you arrive at the locale of your scene, spend some time preparing the space. Dress the set to fit the ambience you’re going for, and be thoughtful about placement of all restraints, toys, and paddles. If part of your agreement is that the Dom/me tells the sub what to wear, dress accordingly. If they haven’t specified, you may want to dress in some flattering fetish wear. Beyond looking enticing, donning latex or leather can help you get into “character.”
When all parties have arrived, go over the plan once again and confirm your safe words.
As play commences, the Dom/me should check in with the sub often to ensure they’re doing alright and encourage the sub to be vocal about their experience. Some kinksters like to use a stoplight system - saying “red” if they need something to stop or change, “yellow” if a limit is being approached, or “green” if they like what’s happening and want it to keep going. Don’t forget that just because limits and agreements are established beforehand, both parties are allowed to change their mind at any time and put an immediate end to the act or scene.
When you enter a scene, you enter a certain headspace where all your focus lies upon your partner, and all thoughts or worries of the outside world fall by the wayside. If you find yourself distracted, you may want to delay the scene, since a sensitive partner will pick up on your detachment.
A scene may or may not include actual sex - this, among everything else, should be discussed and agreed upon before it happens. For some, the acts of giving or receiving various S&M acts may be satisfying and a means of getting off unto itself. For others, they’re a turn-on and a prelude to some type of sexual activity. This should be made clear and consented to enthusiastically by everyone involved.
Aftercare
A BDSM scene can be intensive and draining, both physically and emotionally. The phrase “sub drop” refers to the sudden absence of feel-good chemicals that have been rushing to one’s brain during a scene - adrenaline, endorphins, and then nothing. This is why after-care is so important. The Dom/me should spend time after a scene ends caring for the sub, and the sub should be sure to communicate what makes them feel good and cared for. The Dom/me may need some aftercare as well. Aftercare could be cuddling, a warm bubble bath, some yummy snacks, or all of the above. This is also a good time to discuss how the scene went, what you both enjoyed, what you would do differently next time, and how you’re feeling about everything. This aftercare is so integral to building and sustaining trust - if both Dom/me and sub walk away feeling emotionally gratified, they can look forward to a playful partnership to enjoy again and again. Check out our extensive guide to aftercare for more tips.
