The smell of fresh bread baking in the oven. The tingling excitement of Christmas Eve. The delicious moment before your lover’s palm flies through the air and makes contact with your luscious, begging derriere.
What do all these things have in common?
Frank N Furter shivers with it, Winnie the Pooh loves it – in short, anticipation makes the world go round, and nowhere is this more apparent than in the glorious, sensual world of BDSM.
Anticipation, tease and temptation are the driving forces behind BDSM.
It’s more than foreplay (although that’s a huge part of it); it’s sitting at work, getting wet under the desk as you think about your lover preparing his bedroom just the way you like it so you’ll dominate him later on. It’s the twitch in your stomach that you get when your Master texts you a photograph of the latest sex toy he’s bought, promising to use it on you if you’re a good girl. It’s the overpowering sensation of want when your Mistress tells you to wait until you’re given explicit permission to come.
These moments are when the true ecstasy of kink are revealed and enjoyed.
It comes as a shock to a lot of people that BDSM scenes, which is what we in the kink world call our little play parties, don’t always culminate in sex; in fact, a vast number of them don’t include any sex at all.
Bondage events like my annual, all night art installation Morpheous’ Bondage Extravaganza, held in Toronto and broadcast over the world, aren’t orgies of endless hedonism to let everyone get their rocks off but this doesn’t make them any less bathed in kink (after all, there are dozens of fresh submissives getting trussed up in rope and suspended).
Really, they are tease events; they excite the kinky part of us without giving any chance for a “finish”.
So it is something entirely different about the masochistic kinkster that just loves to be frustrated? Of course not; we’re not genetically different from the vanillas around us (as far as we know).
It’s simply that the kink lover has learned to appreciate that most scintillating of states that exists somewhere between aroused and spent; the next dimension into which anticipation, tease and temptation take us. And if you’re going to bring kink play into your life, you should learn to love it too.
It’s often mistakenly assumed that in a power play, where one partner takes the role of the Master and the other takes the visibly more passive role of the submissive, only the poor little sub can experience the tease – for instance, when his Mistress lays down her devilish little instruments in front of him, one by one, with a latex-covered hand so that he can see everything that she’s going to use to humiliate him.
However, this isn’t true at all; the dominant partner in such a scene enjoys the anticipation just as much as her willing victim. She experiences temptation as the submissive does as she says and lies naked, baring his ripe buttocks and staying perfectly still. She waits, feeling the electricity of the moment just as he does. We Doms just play a role; we like to hide everything from our partners so as not to ruin the scene.
The key to anticipation is patience. Make space in your play.
When she places her naked self over your knee, wanting you to spank her, wait a while. Stroke her cheeks with the tips of your fingers and let her feel no contact at all until – smack, it finally comes.
When he, blindfolded, begs you to sit on his waiting face, hover your panty-covered pussy over his lips, letting him feel that you are near but not giving him the pleasure of feeling your weight on him.
Let him lick the material between your legs, but no more – perhaps not for days at a time, teasing him with a filthy text here and there to make sure he hasn’t forgotten. Maybe make a scene last weeks – or months – by only giving them what they want in baby steps, promising them another step in 7 days.
If you master the art of anticipation, both (or all) of you will feel your days injected with a fizz, a tension, a fantastic and all-consuming sense of having something so close but yet so far away. You’ll learn the skill of the wait – and the crazy pleasure of finally getting it in the end.