When we talk about communication in the kink world, we’re not referring to dirty talk – although we all know that having a lover whisper into your ear exactly what they want to do to you can get you wet quicker than a spray down from a fireman’s hose. Rather, what we’re talking about is the honest, open and unrestrained sharing of thoughts, feelings and ideas; communication on a very raw, animal level.

Without this level of communication, kink activity can simply not happen; when it comes to BDSM, the rule is this: be frank or be gone. Communication is the key to safe, sane, consensual kink – and if it’s not all of these three things, it should not be happening.

A good first discussion about BDSM should be like a good first date; you should share all your stories, all your history, all your desires; you should be desperate to hear more about your partner and what she thinks and feels, and she should ask questions about you.

When finally the restaurant wants to close and the annoyed waiter turns on the house lights, you should know a hell of a lot about each other – including, in this case, sexual health history, fantasies, specific kinks and hard limits, the boundaries over which you will not cross, even in the hottest moments of passion in the bedroom.

In short, you should know each other inside out (quite literally).

It doesn’t end there, though; once you’ve talked things through and ended up in the bedroom, this isn’t an invitation to shut up and keep things to yourself (and anyway, is there anything more depressing than really quiet sex?).

Consent, which is a cornerstore of kinky play, isn’t something given once and then never spoken of again; rather, consent should be given often, and positively. If someone doesn’t say no, this doesn’t mean yes; only yes means yes, and it should be said strongly and by the person when they’re in sound mind.

While you’re spanking your delicious partner, you should check in regularly – a quick, “Is this okay, baby?” in the midst of your smacking should be enough to get a good response, allowing you to act upon your partner’s response.

If you’re sitting on his face, bring yourself up an inch or two and ask if he’s alright before burying him into your warm, wet crotch once more, safe in the knowledge that he’s enjoying himself just as much as you are.

If your partner hesitates in their response, or indicates to you that they’re not entirely comfortable, then end the scene immediately; stop what you’re doing, make your partner your main point of concern.

Attend to their needs with reassuring words and gentle physical contact. Sometimes people don’t know what’s wrong; this is okay. Just be aware and be understanding, and work through whatever the problem might be.

After a session, whether it’s a little bit of spanking mid-coitus or a lengthy bondage scene that doesn’t end in sex, make sure that you create a safe space for all participants to discuss what they enjoyed and what they didn’t – and don’t judge, no matter what is said.

When you appraise your experience, be thoughtful of others, and if you would prefer something to be done differently next time, phrase this in a positive way; for instance, “I enjoyed you tying up my arms, but next time I’d be more comfortable if we used a softer material on my wrists, so I could concentrate on enjoying your touch.”

Communication is sexy – and it’s even sexier when it’s all about what you’ve enjoyed. So whatever you do, don’t keep your mouth shut!


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