So you’re in a relationship and you’re ready to spice things up. Having a threesome is a classic go-to move to attempt to do just that in the bedroom. But it isn’t always an easy task. There are many common pitfalls that may prevent you from succeeding in your search. But should you prosper on your journey, you may be rewarded by unknown pleasures.
Adding a guest star is much more difficult than becoming one. “Unicorns,” aka a third party who’s not a member of a two-person relationship, are high in demand. It’s rare that an individual will go out scouting couples to have sex with or search the internet for something like this. It seems to be the most difficult for straight couples, but it can be hard for everyone. People don’t perceive a lot of benefits from being a guest star, although if the threesome is done right, that perception is way off base.
Being a guest star can be amazing. Since they are the novelty, both the other players can focus all their attention on the third. Lavish them with attention and allow them to enjoy the benefit of symmetry—two mouths are better than one, four hands are delightful, and if you add in some other moving body parts, the result can be overwhelming peaks of bliss. On the other hand, it can be a lot to handle. Finding the right fit, literally and physically, is essential to maximizing enjoyment and preventing any weirdness.
It can be a delicate situation, finding your unicorn while taking on this new endeavor in your relationship, so here are a few dos and don’ts for how to succeed at finding your third and maintaining your relationship while you’re at it.
DO determine what you’re looking for
Are you looking for a one-time thing, or would you prefer to have an ongoing fling with your third? Or are you trying to open your relationship and try a triad-style romance? The third is drastically different from the first, so make sure there’s no ambiguity in your expectations and those of your partner.
DO come from a secure and loving place of trust in your relationship
Time to be honest with yourself. If a threesome is a last-ditch effort to revive a failing relationship in its death throes, the experience probably won’t be positive, and you won’t be satisfied with the results. Threesomes work best when both people are satisfied and secure in their relationship. Jealousy is a common issue for people to face when they consider bringing in a third. If you’re having doubts or feeling unconfident that you and your partner will truly be able to enjoy your company in the moment and relish their presence, then maybe skip the threesome for now.
DO talk to your open-minded friends
If your social circle involves folks who are similarly adventurous and sexually open, talk about it. Ask them about their experiences, ask for advice, and who knows, maybe they’d be down! Let them suggest it, though; your odds are better to get a “yes” if it’s their idea. They may also have helpful suggestions on other groups, clubs or contacts that can introduce you to the right.
DO be transparent on apps
One of the most frustrating things bisexual women and lesbians report is the flood of mixed-gender couples looking for threesomes. How frustrating to swipe right on someone, get a match, exchange pleasantries, and then find out that they aren’t looking to date you; they’re looking for you to do them a favor and have sex with them. Be upfront right away. Make your profile photo a picture of both of you. Don’t try to bait and switch—it doesn’t work, and it’s inconsiderate. Better yet, stick to apps like Feeld, which are specifically for people looking for threesomes. Leave the more serious dating apps like Hinge, OkCupid and Match to people who are looking to form relationships of their own.
DO look in the right places
Your coed volleyball team or your PTA committee might not be great places to start looking for potential thirds. Take a shortcut by checking out local meetup groups (online or off) that are already oriented toward alternative lifestyles. A swift Google search for “swinging” or “poly groups near me” will likely reveal a lengthy list of options. Or if you’re not ready to dive right into a sex party, a group with more adult interests could be a great place to make friends, some of whom may or may not be like-minded.
DON’T objectify them
Your unicorn is a person, not an object for you and your partner’s entertainment. You need to be up front about all boundaries, rules and limitations so they can make a decision about how they’d like to proceed. If you’re looking to have a threesome but don’t want your partner to touch the other person, let your third know right off the bat. You also need to define your terms—if your partner will just be watching, make sure your unicorn knows and is okay with this. It can feel uncomfortable for the guest star if they start to feel like they’re subject to the restrictions and rules of someone else’s relationship.
DON’T be that couple
Let it happen naturally. Most folks who fall outside the lines of strictly straight or monogamous can spot the “threesome chasers” a mile away—you know, the kind that makes everyone uncomfortable by loudly announcing they’re trying to have a threesome and propositioning every bisexual friend they have (if the couple is hetero). Be cool.
DON’T get discouraged
It takes a lot of time and patience to find the right person to be your guest star. It’s likely that it can take several weeks or months, particularly in our current climate, where meeting people organically is limited. Keep your eyes and ears open; when the right opportunity presents itself, you’ll know. Don’t rush it or try to force it. By being open, natural and relaxed, the unicorn will find you instead.
