How to find a perfect Dom/me or sub

How to find a perfect Dom/me or sub

If you’re new to the BDSM scene, it’s easy to get discouraged if you don’t find the right play partner right off the bat. It takes a lot of time, honesty, vulnerability, and trust. You gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find the one for you!

Whether you’re a Dom/me (meaning, a male Dom or female Domme,) a submissive, or a switch, the right path to finding the perfect person who will rise to meet your needs is often largely about finding a community.

The BDSM community is just that - a community. The ability to be a part of a group of like-minded also enforces mutual accountability, safety, and respect. If words gets around that a Dom/me is abusing their power, they won’t have any luck finding someone to top in that town for a very long time. Think of it as networking for your sex life.

Where do you find your local BDSM community?

Once you find your network, finding the ideal play partner will fall into place naturally. Don’t be so concerned with finding the right one right away, however - they’ll come to you when the time is right! In the meantime, enjoy getting to know fellow kinksters, experimenting with different play partners, and integrating yourself into the community.

If you’ve moved somewhere new, or are looking to find friends of a leather feather, here are the most common places people in the BDSM community find each other:

  • FetLife
  • Don’t be discouraged if you create an account on and don’t immediately start getting invited to escort a dashing kinkster to a fetish ball.

    FetLife is a networking site moreso than a dating site - and if you treat it as the latter, it likely won’t be well-received. Spend time reading before you jump into interacting, and don’t be overtly direct - you need to prove that you want to get to know people and be a part of the community. Start conversations about topics outside of BDSM after getting a sense of who the people local to you are and what their interests might be. As a member of any community, you have to prove your value as a member and display what you can offer. Attempts to just use a group as a means to an end will be obvious and won’t result in open arms. Earn their trust.

  • Facebook Groups
  • An alternative to FetLife, Facebook Groups are a great way to build community or even start one up yourself if you’re frustrated with what you’ve been able to find so far. Facebook Groups are a great tool to find like-minded folks the world over and share ideas and conversation. Who knows, maybe you’ll find the one online - it happens all the time! Particularly if you live in a remote region and find that your local BDSM scene is a bit small, Facebook groups allow you to expand your network and take the chance of meeting your ideal play partner, even if you have to jump on a plane to find out for sure.

  • A munch
  • A munch is essentially a casual gathering of BDSM scenesters, their friends, and curious parties. Often these are just parties or social events in public places, and typically do not result in the performance of BDSM scenes. If you’ve found a friend who is a major player in the community, ask them to bring you along some time.

  • Your local dungeon
  • Think your town doesn’t have a local dungeon? You’d be surprised! If your location + dungeon doesn’t turn out any Google results, it may be just slightly underground. Ask around - even in the smallest and most conservative of places (often even moreso!) there tend to be bars with backrooms where the most sordid of scenes go down. Once you get in, you’ll likely be welcomed by friendly freaks who can provide advice and further info on local kinky goings-on.

    Finding the right play partner

    A big part of being a Dom is the responsibility of being a good Dom/me.

    Unfortunately, there are a lot of people out there who consider themselves Dom/mes who misuse their power. Advertising oneself as a Dom/me in search of a sub on casual dating sites has come to be a red flag, as people read this as someone prioritizing control and domination. Instead, good Dom/mes view themselves as looking for someone who has particular needs that they’d like the honor of being entrusted with meeting.

    That said, subs, perhaps counterintuitively, are often quite adept at making their desires clear, using passive aims. If you’re a shy sub, no need to put yourself out there too much at first. Make friends first, then see where things lead. It’s no secret that certain preferences come to light sooner or later, so if you befriend someone who indicates that they have tendencies that appeal to you, let them know.

    As you become more involved in the BDSM community, people will let each other know what you’re into. People talk, that’s just a fact! If word gets out that you’re a particularly great play partner, you’ll have no shortage of suitors. Introductions and word of mouth are always a great way to meet potential new dates, especially ones who may have certain proclivities that mesh well with yours!

    As mentioned, the right play partner is one who respects your boundaries, makes you feel valued, heard, and understood, both before, during, and after a session. Your ideal play partner will be one who understands non-negotiable limits, the importance of enthusiastic consent, and is a pro at communication and aftercare.

    Being dominated does not mean tolerating lying, cheating, abuse, or harassment. If a so-called “Dom/me” begins trying to top you upon meeting, that’s a red flag.

    Being a Dom/me means they receive the honor of playing the role of demeaning, punishing, humiliating, or cuckolding you - with your explicit consent and direction. On the flip side, being a sub does not meaning being passive aggressive or bratty - unless it’s been made clear that’s what your Dom/me wants! When you’re not playing a part, being explicit and clear when communicating your needs, desires, and plans for a scene is what makes any relationship, kinky or not, a success.

    Although you might not fall in love and live with your Dom/me or sub forever, the truth is that without a strong emotional bond, your play partner won’t be able to fulfill all your fantasies. Trust, communication, and experience is essential, and these things can only be built with someone you’re close with, even if it isn’t necessarily in a romantic sense. Communicate, clarify, and get to know each other, in and out of the bedroom. The worst thing you can walk away with is a kinky new friend.