“Steak and a Blowjob Day” may not be on any official bank holiday calendars, but it’s certainly a day worth celebrating!
The satirical holiday, celebrated on March 14th, was conceptualized by a radio DJ as a “Valentine’s Day for Men,” working under the assumption that they’d prefer, well, steak and a blowjob, to traditional Valentine’s Day gifts, like candy and flowers. While this sort of stereotypical macho bravado is a little cringe-inducing, we *do* believe that there’s nothing wrong with showing a deserving partner some appreciation by pampering them with a delicious slab of beef (or cauliflower, or romaine) and then treating them to a little lip service.
To sweeten the deal, we came up with a list of our favorite oral enhancements to make the BJ that much more memorable - for both the giver, and the receiver. Here they are, plus a foolproof steak recipe that’ll leave his mouth watering.
- What are you supposed to do with your hands when you’re going down? You can put them behind your back, use them to fondle the balls, or, give yourself a hand by stroking the shaft. Using a Goodhead Helping Head Ultimate Blowjob Helper can expedite the process and deliver maximum pleasure to the recipient.
- As well all know, they don’t call it a job for nothin’. Even those of us who love giving head can get fatigued after a while. Those neck muscles aren’t meant to move that way for too long. A Helping Head stroker *plus* vibration, like the Goodhead Vibrating Helping Head Pro filled with the same internal bumps, ridges, and mazes that offer additional stimulation (on top of what’s already happening) will guarantee a timely busting of the proverbial nut.
- If you want to get really fancy, the Fun Factory Manta Stroker has infinite uses. The BJ giver can hold it to their neck to turn their throat into a… well, a vibrating throat! Can you imagine?! The giver can also use the Manta to stroke along the shaft, using motions either with or against the current of their own head-bobbing, hold it under the testicle to stimulate the prostate, or even tickle the taint with its flexible, fluttering “wings.” Don’t need any extra help? Why, use the vibe to stimulate yourself while you get to work, honey! Nothing wrong with enjoying yourself while on the job!
- Poppin’ Rock Candy adds the element of sweetness AND surprise to every blow job. Everyone knows this delicious novelty is fun to eat- now imagine how fun it’d be to suck on while giving good dome. It doesn’t feel half bad for him either - it’ll make him squeal and squirm in the most enjoyable way as you make his toes curl from pleasure with your hard work.
- Flavored lubes turn penises into popsicles. If you don’t love the taste of flesh, make things more scrumptious with a decadent flavored lube like Wicked Aqua Flavored Lubricant in Pink Lemonade, Candy Apple, or Salted Caramel.
- Want to get your partner’s schlong all the way back in your throat, but the thought alone makes you gag? Relax your uvula with a spritz of Sensuva Deeply Love You Throat Relaxing Spray. A small, safe amount of numbing agent benzocaine with the addition of delicious natural flavors enable you to give a deeper BJ than you ever thought possible.
- Never fear that your spunk might have a little too much funk. Swiss Navy’s Sweet Sensations supplements are loaded with real fruit extracts. This concentrated formula naturally balances the body’s pH levels and sweetens the load, allowing the semen-producer to relax and enjoy without any self-consciousness about the flavor of his secretions.
- If no one’s around to smoke your cigar or play your pipe, there are plenty of alternatives. The HUSTLER Barely Legal Vibrating Cocksucker will give you all the deep-throated pleasure you desire, no strings attached. Add a drop of lube, and put it in warm water for some super realistic oral intercourse. Sometimes simulation is the best stimulation!
- Bring in the big guns with the PDX Elite Moto Blower. This fancy contraption grips your member, using beads that roll up and down to stimulate the shaft and create a tight seal which results in a suction sensation. It isn’t as pretty as a mouth, but it’s even more powerful.
- In the same spirit of the Moto Blower, the Zolo Blowpro also features beads. an appealing, lifelike entrance point and even flashing lights so you feel a bit like you’re getting head in the VIP section of your favorite discotheque. It’s a bit more portable if you’re looking for a toy you can travel with.
Easy delicious steak recipe:
- 4 tablespoons of butter
- one steak per person
- salt and pepper
- one quarter of a lemon
- one sprig of rosemary
- Generously salt and pepper both sides of the steak. Use your hands to rub the seasoning in a bit. Allow to sit for several minutes so the salt penetrates the steak.
- Heat a cast-iron pan or skillet on the stovetop over medium-high heat.
- Melt your butter, then directly add the steak to the skillet.
- Drop the sprig of rosemary in the melted butter that pools.
- Tilt the pan and use a spoon to scoop up the melted butter. Use it to “baste” by spooning the butter back onto the surface of the steak.
- Flip the steak once the first side has a nice dark sear. Continue basting.
- Your steak is perfectly done once it has the same bounciness as the heel of your thumb. Remove the rosemary sprig.
- Remove from heat immediately and allow to “rest” for ten minutes. Slicing the steak without resting it will allow all the juices to bleed from it.
- Serve with a glass of red wine or icy cold red ale.
The jury is out on whether or not one should eat their steak before, after, or even during the blowjob. For best results, experiment often to test which