Psychology Today reports that one out of 10 adults has experimented with BDSM, an acronym that has a few meanings: B as in Bondage, D as in Discipline or Domination, S as in Sadism or Submission, and M as in Masochism. S&M more explicitly refers to Sadism and Masochism, terms named after authors who depicted intense scenes of cruelty and suffering in their literature—which the Sadist thoroughly enjoyed inflicting and the Masochist thoroughly enjoyed receiving.
Of course, these are roles to play. The Dom/me has an important responsibility to ensure that they’re inflicting pain only as specified by their partner and checking in and taking care to ensure they’re never crossing any lines that have been pre-discussed and agreed upon in detail. The Dom/me derives pleasure from exerting dominance and being trusted to do so in a careful, considerate way. Sadism becomes pathological when the dominant actor violates boundaries, which is why conversations, consent and contracts that both parties agree upon before the scene takes place are so essential.
The general concept of pain play contends that the line between pain and pleasure is very thin, and by experiencing one, the alternative begins to feel that much more intense and enjoyable. Whatever your capacity for cruelty or your pain tolerance, it’s important to engage in pain play in a safe, healthy way. If you like a little bit of pain alongside your pleasure, this one’s for you.
Safewords and Actions
After you’ve planned the scene with your play partner, gone through your likes and dislikes, and discussed your limits, it’s time to establish a safeword or action that is clear and easy. Either partner can use this word or action at any time to alert the other that they must stop what they’re doing immediately. A safeword is like a panic button—if things are too intense, if something is going wrong, or they’re approaching a line—hit that button!
A safeword typically isn’t “no” since part of the scene may involve pretending to protest what’s about to be done to you. To avoid any confusion, S&M players pick words that clearly stand out as having nothing to do with the scene. They can be a bit silly, like “pineapple” or “cacao,” but it works.
Aside from having a safeword, if your play involves any activity that may limit speech, like breathplay, choking, gagging, or sensory deprivation, a pre-established action or gesture will function like a non-verbal safeword. Some people opt to hold onto a bouncy ball, so they can drop the ball to signal that it’s time to hit the brakes. Other options include a hand signal, stamping one’s foot, snapping fingers, or ringing a bell.
Choking
Breathplay, or erotic asphyxiation, is the act of cutting off your play partner’s oxygen supply temporarily. Those who enjoy EA find that the rush of endorphins and adrenaline is pleasurable and that orgasms are more intense.
Practicing breathplay requires extreme caution and extensive knowledge, for obvious reasons. Know the risks—breathplay can cause serious health issues, or worse, result in death if practiced without some harm reduction strategies. Many experts recommend avoiding it altogether, but it is a well-known kink, so if you must…
- Don’t do it alone. It’s much more dangerous to try to choke yourself than to choke or be choked. If you’re going to the auto-erotic asphyxiation route, it’s best to have someone outside that will check on you after a certain time period without hearing from you. But doing it with a friend is ultimately safer.
- Study up on anatomy. Know where various arteries and pulse points are so that you can be aware of which pressure points are more dangerous than others. Use your hands. Restraints may be more difficult to loosen if needed in an emergency. If you do use restraints, keep them loose enough so that two fingers can fit between the restraint and the skin.
- Start slow. If the choke-ee is new to breathplay, the choker must truly exert the absolute minimum amount of pressure to their throat. Don’t clamp down; “pulse” your fingers to very gently and lightly begin mounting pressure.
- Lean out. Do not lean in to the choke or apply any more of your weight to your partner’s throat or elsewhere. The only pressure they should feel is from your fingers. Do not push or pull or otherwise lead your partner around by the throat.
- Stick to the sides. Avoid intense pressure on the trachea (windpipe) and Adam’s apple. The carotid artery is the one that you want to focus on; light pressure on the area just under where the ear meets the neck, and forward about half an inch or so. Again, study anatomy to be sure you’re touching the most effective spot.
- Learn CPR. In the dreaded event that your partner stops breathing or isn’t able to be revived immediately, call 911 immediately, and then begin CPR.
Biting
Perhaps a little bit of vampire role-play is your thing. Maybe you just like how sharp teeth feel on the skin, or you want to take the phrase “I want to eat you” quite literally. This one is pretty straightforward, but a few dos and don’ts to keep things safe so you can both enjoy biting play again and again:
- Discuss limits. As with any other BDSM scene, talk to your partner before you get into it. Establish what type of bites are okay—playful nips between kissing and licking are very different from big chomps. Also, find out if leaving a mark is okay. Some people like walking away from a scene of visible evidence of love bites on their bodies. Others do not or can’t have them showing in places that are obvious to the public. Pick meatier spots to sink your teeth into, like thighs or butts.
- Find hotspots. Talk about body parts that are good for biting and body parts that are off-limits. If you need help remembering, you can use body paint or lipstick to mark hot spots or no-go zones, which can be a fun foreplay activity!
- Avoid breaking skin. If you’re just getting into biting, start with lighter bites until you and your partner are both ready to rev it up. Understand that breaking skin can result in fluid exchange.
- Engage in aftercare. This goes without saying for any scene, but if biting got especially rough, physical aftercare is imperative. Apply ice to any marks, as well as anti-bacterial ointment, hydrogen peroxide, or bandages if the skin was broken. Our aftercare guide will give more tips on how to take care of your lover once a scene has ended.
Spanking
This form of impact play indicates the top/Dom/me smacking the bottom/sub with an open hand or a flogger.
Any type of impact play, whether it’s spanking, hitting or using various floggers or whips to hit the partner, should only be done in fatty spots where any bones or vital organs are well-protected by thick layers of fat.
Spanking is a delightful way to increase sensitivity. A light and repeated smack can increase blood flow to the area, stimulating that body part and making a soothing hand all the more delightful. A few pointers for how to maximize the exquisite pain spanking can bring:
DO:
- Talk to your partner about intensity limits. Determine whether leaving marks, welts or bruises is okay or not.
- Spank the buttocks, backs of thighs, backs of arms and shoulders.
- Take breaks and check in with your partner frequently.
- Engage in aftercare to soothe wounds.
- Clean floggers after use, especially if skin has been broken.
DO NOT:
- Use a gag when you’re first starting out with a new partner. Leave the sub’s mouth free so they can communicate during the session.
- Start with a flogger. Start with your open hand first, then as you and your partner gain experience, incorporate softer flagellators before you graduate to more intense impact toys like riding crops or canes.
- Hit the lower back, tailbone, neck, head, face, ankles and elbows.
- Limit yourself to only spanking. Incorporate massage, rubbing, kissing and even tickling in between spanks to give your partner the full experience.
Hitting
Simulating hitting or punching is less popular than other types of impact play, but it is certainly a kink, so be informed and proceed with caution. There’s a ton of room for error with this form of impact play. Consent is always of the utmost importance, but before this type of scene occurs, every single detail must be thought of and agreed to by both parties.
Why do people like this form of play? The racing hearts, the adrenaline, and the taboo factor make hitting appealing to some. If your partner really wants to be punched in a sexy way, consider taking a boxing class and learning how to shadowbox. That way, you can avoid directly hitting your partner, but the gestures and motions will build tension and the illusion of punching. Wear boxing gloves to reduce the acuteness of the impact, or slap with an open hand rather than a closed one. Be soft; the point is not to deliver a forceful blow but to emulate the motions of sparring and surprise your partner when the impact occurs. Avoid sensitive areas—go for areas of the body covered in a layer of fat that will absorb and cushion the blow. If you have the space in your home, think about adding a boxing ring to your backyard. There, you and your partner can wear protective equipment and seductively spar until one of you is pinned.
