The phenomenon that is 50 Shades of Grey is pretty awesome. Yes, the writing in the books themselves was kind of horrible. Yes, the acting in the movies left a lot to be desired. Yes, they didn’t accurately depict the world of BDSM. What the 50 Shades empire has done that’s super important, though, is open the world up to the idea of BDSM.
50 Shades did in 2015 what our one-of-a-kind founder Larry Flynt did in the ‘70s – get the world to be a bit more comfortable with their desires, their sex lives, and ultimately themselves.
Now, when it comes to BDSM, we have A LOT to say. This isn’t the time or the place for the full Hustler take on the dom/sub life. What we’re exploring today is a little easier, a little more PG-13 than NC-17. What we’re exploring today is struggle sex.
Struggle Sex Explained
A quick Google search confirms what we already suspected: struggle sex isn’t that common of a term. Hopefully that changes because struggle sex is a rad name and it’s also the most fun you can have in the bedroom (or the living room, the bathroom, the kitchen…).
So, when we talk about struggle sex, we’re talking about a lighter form of BDSM (bondage, domination, sadism, and masochism for the uninitiated). This can include full-on handcuffs, restraints, whips, paddles, and more, but it can also be as simple as pinning your partner down and having a little back and forth during sex.
In fact, we’re big fans of keeping things toy-free at the beginning This helps both you and your partner ease into things if you’re new. If you’re a struggle sex pro, then it helps to add a level of physical intimacy back into the act. Don’t get us wrong, though, there’s nothing quite like putting on a collar and becoming your partner’s pet!
Communication is Key
Let’s take a minute to talk about communication and boundaries before going any further. While there isn’t much that’s hotter than pushing your sexual boundaries, it’s incredibly important to have a clear understanding of just how far you and your partner are willing to go. This is especially true when it comes to rape fantasies, breath play, and a few other areas.
This is one of the areas that 50 Shades missed the mark on completely. They had Ana accept her contract with Christian and call it a day. Things aren’t this simple in reality. You’re going to want to sit down with your partner beforehand to talk openly and honestly about what you’re both comfortable with.
This isn’t always the easiest conversation to have, we know, but it’s so worth it. Not only does this help ensure you’re on the same page but treating each other with this level of respect and compassion can actually make your sex that much dirtier.
Think about it like this – once you have a clear understanding of what’s okay and isn’t, you can go wild with what’s on the table. You can fully commit to struggling, getting off, and making sure your partner gets off. Trust us, communicating beforehand is one of the best ways to get worked up and have some amazing rough sex.
Okay, so what does struggle sex look like? More importantly, how can you add this into your sex life? We’re glad you asked.
The Lighter Side of BDSM
Regardless of whether you’re using kinky gear or not, struggle sex is all about playing with power dynamics. This can take as many forms as there are people and kinks, but one of the most common is implied in the name itself – struggle.
Common parts of struggle sex include:
- Rape fantasy roleplay (with communication beforehand so everyone’s comfortable!)
- Teacher/student roleplay & just about all types of older/younger roleplay
- Your partner pinning you down, hands over your wrists, while you try to break free
- Being picked up & tossed down
- Being gagged
- Degrading dirty talk
- Choking, scratching, slapping, & hair pulling
- Being “forced” to perform oral or anal
- Being “forced” into an awkward position
- Going at it in a public or semi-public place
- And a lot more
Sound good? We thought so!
One of the most exciting parts of struggle sex, and all types of BDSM for that matter, is how quickly and fluidly you can move between roles. One minute your partner is grabbing your hips to hold you down and the next they’re inside and you’re kissing passionately. A minute later you’re back to struggling. That’s just one example, but you definitely know what we’re talking about!
This type of always-changing sex keeps things fresh time after time. One time you’re the submissive. The next you’re the dom. Maybe you’re both during the same night! Whatever your choice on any given occasion, the excitement doesn’t fade.
Alright, now that we’ve thoroughly answered the question “what is struggle sex anyway,” it’s time to offer some insight like only Hustler Hollywood can!
Tips to Channel Your Inner Ana (or Christian)
Let’s start by saying there’s no wrong way to have struggle sex. However you and your partner practice the art of rough sex is perfect. That being said, there are some ways to take your experience to all-new heights of kink.
Another area of 50 Shades didn’t do a great job of depicting was safety. We mean this in the classic sense of the word – taking precautions during sex itself – as well in the realm of aftercare. So, let’s talk safety.
First thing’s first – make sure you know everything you’re using during sex. Know what it’s meant for and what you shouldn’t use it for. This is especially true for any electric stim toys. Know what your partner’s limits are and don’t EVER push them further then you’ve agreed to go.
Speaking of which, another important safety tip is to come up with a safe word. Don’t use just anything either. Pick a word that you or your partner definitely won’t utter during sex. It can be something silly like “banana” or serious. The point is that it’ll catch your attention as soon as you hear it.
Make Use of Your Surroundings
This applies to wherever you’re having sex. Going at it outside? Push your partner against a tree, push up against them, and grind their ass into the bark. Going at it on an airplane? Bend them over the bathroom counter and use your shirt to tie their wrists. Having some ordinary bedroom fun? Use a pillow as a gag.
Whatever your particular surroundings look like, you can make use of them during sex. Are you reading this at the office? Look around and get inspired. Then surprise your partner later in your home office (or, if you’re feeling super adventurous, bring them to your office during the night!).
Bite, Scratch, Scream, Choke, Slap, Pull, Spank
Biting, scratching, screaming, choking, slapping, pulling, spanking…and the list goes on (did someone say vibrating nipple clamps, pinwheels, shock therapy, and clit stimulators?). Whatever your poison, make sure to do it during sex. After all, it isn’t called “struggle” for nothing.
Undress Each Other
We’re not talking about gently and seductively undressing your partner and then letting them undress you. We’re talking about ripping their shirt off. We’re talking about pulling their pants off. We’re talking about tearing their underwear off. Get aggressive. Embrace your inner dom and let them know you’re about to savage them.
Get Creative with Your Dirty Talk
Dirty talk has become more or less universal. What was once considered taboo – calling your partner a slut or your bitch – has become as vanilla as Blue Bell ice cream. So, when it comes to struggle sex and dirty talk, it’s time to get creative.
If you’re the dominant one, tell them exactly what you’re going to do to them. Go into detail. Paint a picture with your words (if you’ll allow us that cliché!). Then narrate everything as you’re doing it. Let them know that they’re your property and you’re making them do everything because you can.
If you’re the submissive one, tell your partner how hesitant you are. Tell them that you’re scared of what they want to do to you. Tell them you’re ashamed. Tell them you won’t let them. Bring the physical act of struggling into the each other’s headspace through your dirty talk!
So, are you ready to have the most intense struggle sex ever yet? If so, YES! Do you and go have some fun. If not, check out our sex guides for a little more inspiration! Then head over to our couple’s toys and get everything you need for some mind-blowing orgasms!